I am not a psychiatrist or therapist; however, I am a Life Coach. Five years ago, I felt lost when my divorce was finalized; it gave me a perspective of things I wish I would have done differently. I was married for almost 10 years, and I am sharing some advice from that period of being married and being back in the dating environment for 5 years:
- NEVER STOP COURTING. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take a good woman (Girlfriend, Significant Other, or Wife) for granted. When you asked her to marry you and be your life partner, you promised to be that man who would KEEP HER HEART NEAR AND DEAR TO YOUR HEART and fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with besides children and your own life. SHE CHOSE YOU, and YOU CHOSE HER. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love and seek to understand and master her love language.
- PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love her unconditionally, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except your wife, life partner, or that special lady in your life. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
- FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You both will constantly change in your relationship over time: age, size, finance, and desires. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, established a domestic partnership, and when you started dating years ago. Many changes will happen over the course of your relationship, and each person must select to choose to work hard to keep the relationship healthy. Each person must be committed to giving 100% of their time, effort, and energy to make the relationship successful. State this daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly will help you reaffirm your relationship “I LOVE YOU AND CHOOSE YOU TODAY AND EVERY DAY,” pick the timetable that works best for you! SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out of it completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love, just as you did when dating her. Be clear in your communication with her and take emotions out of the equation unless needed. She seeks a strong and confident man, so being overly emotional will be received as a turnoff.
- ALWAYS SEE THE BEST IN LIFE. Focus only on what you love about the relationship and her. When you focus positively on your relationship, you add the right mix of growing power to her and the relationship. Tell her what you like about the relationship, what she does for you, and how you appreciate her! If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If she truly loves you, she will put more effort into loving you more when you focus on what she loves. If you focus more on loving a good woman, it will be returned 10X or more. The key factor is dating, loving, and marrying a woman that is a giver and not a taker. If you have not heard this before, “givers gain,” and takers will be found out and out the door! In a good relationship, each person practices giving, and no one in the relationship will feel like they are not well taken care of in a special way. Take care of a good woman, and she will take care of your kingdom.
- DON’T TRY TO CHANGE EACH OTHER – CHOOSE WISELY. It is your job to select the right woman that is fitted for you at the start. If this is done correctly, it will be easy to love each other as you are and love unconditionally. Therefore, during the dating process, take your time to get to know her and allow her into your heart so she can get to know you at a deeper level. If you are dating at a distance, it will take longer to see all of what you need to see before getting married. I know some people are against living together before marriage. Still, after coaching singles and couples for over 5 years in my coaching business, one of the major problems that spring up early in marriage is those little things you don’t see while dating at a distance. I call this the “dating honeymoon and vacation,” and it is those pesky little things that blow up to become major problems. You both will change over time, but forcing change almost always doesn’t go well for anyone.
- TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions. It’s not your wife’s, domestic partner’s, or girlfriend’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. Your happiness or the sad state of mind is an inside job. You are responsible for finding your happiness, and through that, your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love. If you wish to explore how you can be happier, head over to our shop and purchase this eBook: Love Yourself
- When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it; it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. MOST TIME, women want you to listen and not seek to fix their problems. Let her know that you hear her, that she’s important, and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean on and help her stand back up straight.
- The feminine spirit is about change and emotion, and sometimes like a storm, her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging, she will trust you and open her soul to you. It is important that you don’t shut down when she is upset because it is just an emotional storm passing, and things will settle down quickly. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is saying behind the words and emotion.
- CONTROL YOUR ANGER – FIND SOLUTIONS. If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it triggers something inside you. Therefore, do your best to understand why you got upset; when you get upset, look inside first because this is an emotional response to any outside situation. Being overly emotional is a shift in your inter-being, and it is your responsibility to adjust yourself out of this state of mind. When you feel those feelings take a time-out to meditate and presence yourself into the moment so you can fully understand what is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You can do a breathing exercise called the 5-5-5; breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, and exhale for 5 seconds. You can do this for 3 circles and clear your mind while in this state. This will allow you time to process all your feelings and bring yourself into a better state of being.
- BE ADVENTUROUS AND SILLY AT TIMES. Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh at yourself often! And make her laugh often. Laughter makes most things easier. Laughter draws people together in ways that trigger healthy physical and emotional changes in the body; love! Laughter strengthens your immune system, boosts mood, diminishes pain, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress; increase love!. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh; it calms the stressful situation and promotes love! As you surf dating websites such as www.PurposelyDating.com and www.LoveInfinityDating.com, most women have on their profiles seek a man that will make them laugh, and they’re searching for someone that has a good sense of humor. You see it in romantic and love movies a woman is mad at a man, and he makes her laugh, and, in an instant, all is forgiven. Humor lightens your burdens when you are going through trying times, inspires hope in the relationship, connects you, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert. It also helps you release anger and forgive sooner, so she will forgive you quickly.
BE SILLY. Instead of complaining about life’s frustrations, look at the brighter side of life. I learned my stress caused my wife to be stressed, so we were stressed out all the time. This didn’t leave room for enjoying life, and it kept the doors open for frustration and depression. When I decided not to take what was happening in our relationship super-seriously, I learned to relax and be silly sometimes. Being stressed is ridiculous, and I realized that you could look back on most things and laugh about them. After getting divorced, I shifted my mindset and attitude, and I found myself being a little more lighthearted and silly. Nowadays, I approach life more fluidly. If you adopt this attitude about life and relationships, you’re less stressed about negative events. These events are just happening because you are in the middle of it, but nothing stays the same.
Be adventurous when planning a date. Most people want to see if you are creative and bring some fun to the date. First dates can be tricky because you don’t know each other, so it is best to co-plan the date together. When you have moved to the couple stage, consider a “staycation” or booking a romantic vacation. You can find some great ideas in our eBook, Romantic Ideas For Couples. You don’t have to break the bank when dating if you and her plan to connect and infuse with fun.
- DO YOUR BEST TO UNDERSTAND WHAT SPEAKS TO HER HEART. Women are just a little more emotional than men; God made them that way. Therefore, it is important to learn her Emotional Temperature, Emotional Intelligence (EQ), and Feminine Energy is just as important to learn her love language(s). Learning her EQ will help you understand if she is easy to anger and your will specific ways that she feels important, she is validated, and what is most important to her. Take a moment to evaluate your partner with these benchmarks:
- Does she Anger easily?
- What eases anxiety and tension?
- What improves her mood?
- What strengthens your relationship resilience?
- What defuses conflict?
- What promotes greater love in the relationship?
- Listen more and don’t away try to solve a problem!
Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved, write them down or memorize them, and make it a priority to make her feel loved. I have mentioned this before, and I am touching on Tip #10 because it can be an important factor in a relationship. If your partner places great infuses on you, having a sense of humor is important. This is why; humor and playful communication strengthen your relationships by triggering positive feelings and fostering emotional connection during greater stress. I am an analytical person and often viewed as serious in a relationship, so I was to see the funny side. I realized it is a time to be serious and “let your hair down,” it can be a hard task for a bald man. When we add daily laughter to the relationship, it creates a deeper bond. This bond is a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, and disappointment. Humor and laughter in relationships allow you to:
- Be more spontaneous. Humor gets you out of your head and away from your troubles but be mindful to deal with your problems as quickly as you can.
- Let go of defensiveness. Laughter helps you forget resentments, judgments, criticisms, and doubts. This is healthy in a relationship.
- Release inhibitions. Your fear of holding back is pushed aside.
- Express your true feelings. Deeply felt emotions are allowed to rise to the surface.
- Laughter Makes Your Happier. Reduces stress hormones like cortisol, epinephrine(adrenaline), dopamine, and growth hormone. It also increases the level of health-enhancing hormones, like endorphins.
- Laughter makes you healthier. Laughter increases the number of antibody-producing cells we have working for us and enhances the effectiveness of T cells. All this means a stronger immune system and decreased stress. Less stress in your life will make you both healthier in the relationship.
It is important that you give her what she wants to get you to want. If you wish to be wanted, valued, respected, loved, and craved, you need to connect with your lady on a deeper level. This doesn’t mean you become an emotional wreck yourself because that will be seen as a weakness! Last but not least, to be a giver in the relationship, give your love, give your time, give your strength, give your masculine energy, give your intelligence, and give her laughter.
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